5 reasons why the narcissist chose you

If you have experienced narcissistic abuse long enough, you certainly started to believe that you deserved the abuse, and mistreatments. Your self- esteem and self-love became worse and worse which made you believe that if you feel like a failure, it should be because you are. Which explain why your partner treated you badly. Therefore, the problem should be within you, and not within them.

What you experienced is what it’s called the self- fulfilling prophecy, “a prediction that directly or indirectly causes itself to become true, by the very terms of the prophecy itself, due to positive feedback between your belief [of yourself]and [their] behavior [toward you]” (Wikipedia). What it means in practice is that you certainly are the type of person who doubt in your own capabilities and self-worth and therefore you started to believe what they say was true because the more they mistreated you, the more you felt bad about yourself.

Let’s take a concrete example to understand it in practice: If the NARC (person with a narcissistic personality disorder) sees you laying on the couch -and call you lazy, – in the middle of the afternoon, you will start to believe that yes, they should be right, you indeed cannot do anything right. You are -indeed- always tired, and depressed. You cannot concentrate or finish what you started. Therefore, you should deserve their criticism, and anger. What you forget to acknowledge is that you can be tired, you can rest, and you can and even should take care of your own needs.

Your violent partner was not attracted to you because you were not good enough or unworthy but for the exact opposite reasons. They chose you for your good qualities and ethics; ethics and qualities they will never possess. Never forget that.

1-Your Affective Empathy

Narcs cannot feel empathy for you or anyone else. It is a complete foreign concept for them. If you think they do have empathy, think twice because what you misinterpret with empathy is what is called cognitive empathy which is completely different than affective empathy. They can recognize empathy in others, in a cognitive way but they cannot feel it. They chose you because you have a LOT of empathy. You are loving and caring, and you hate injustice and unfairness, therefore, whatever they do (or do not) you will understand and still have compassion for them.

2- Your love for life and people

You think love can conquer everything. You do not understand why some people can hurt other people just by pleasure or without any valid reason which is why you believe you are at fault when they react badly. You should have done something bad otherwise why would they threw a temper tantrum? You have a child-like heart which can be translated by being a little bit naïve. You smile at life and people without specific reason which they are uncapable of doing.

3-Your positivity

You naturally have a positive and good attitude toward life. You see the good in everyone, and everything. No matter how hard things get, you still can appreciate the little things that are positive in your life. Your optimism is contagious, and people – especially Narcs who lives in a very dark world- are attracted to your light and brilliance.

4- Your fairness

You accept and respect differences, and you do not like to condemn or judge freely. You are tolerant of others’ errors because you understand we are human, and we all make mistakes. You do not have double standards (you do not favor one group or person over another). Therefore, you will not do to others what you will not want others do to you which is perfect for Narcs who know that you will not treat them badly since you do not want to be treated this way either. Because of your love and tolerance, you can forgive easily even when people wronged you.

5-Your candidness

You do not wear a mask or play a role. “What you see is what you get.” You are transparent and authentic in your relationships which is why it is hard for you to understand someone with two faces like them. Narcs are very good at using this quality against you. They know you cannot lie or keep things hidden without feeling guilty. When they sense that you are holding something from them, to make you feel guilty, they will use the fact that while you said you are honest, your actions were dishonest, and therefore to prove them wrong, you will spill it out.

Never forget who you are and what your values are. Do not let them makes you doubt. They were attracted by your strengths and talents. The paradox is that since they do not have your qualities, they are jealous you have something they will never be able to get, thus they will try to destroy what they admired most about you to later reproach you for not having these qualities anymore.